Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

i was dropped as an adult

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*