Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

buying dead houseplants to save time

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

I put the p in pants.