Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

realest tweet ever.

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Body by Oreos

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?