Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.