Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Get off my horse you stupid moon

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

Great acting.. 😂

no way 😭

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.