1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
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Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
tinder is all about the long game
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Social distancing in Australia:
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
kids play hide and seek like
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.