1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
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friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle