Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk