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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
time machine? you mean a clock?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo