10/10 no notes
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?