Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis