Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Frog purse.

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.