When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
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Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.