Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed