10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴