Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

Husband of the year 😂

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

getting corrected

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.