Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Fat chances are my favorite chances

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……