10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”