10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
no refunds
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.