10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
happy mother’s day❤️
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed