10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
these can’t be my only options
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm