Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

never deleting this app.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

What my back needs

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.