Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site
But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]