Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
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I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer
Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit
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?You’re too young for me.
?I’m too young for you.
?I don’t date men my age.
?Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.