10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

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Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
“Wake up!”
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”


I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.


On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.


She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.


[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S


I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.


[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.


DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
HITLER: omfg