10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
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If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”