Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊