10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Did…did a minotaur write this
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now