Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

How about daylight saves us for once

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees