Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.