Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!