10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
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If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
bias laundering edition
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Story time
