10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
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I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
That was easy.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.