10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s![]()
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
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Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.