10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
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friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Sorted
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Sharon I have some bad news
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats