10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
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Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
This squirrel eats better than I do
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?