10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what