10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
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Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Bobby pin