10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
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Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
when dads have a rap battle
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means