Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

buying dead houseplants to save time

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

I love twitter

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.