Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

groan^2

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.