Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

screw you

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today