10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
