Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?