Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

When libraries troll their patrons.

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized