Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?