Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
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I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*