*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos