*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
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[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
A small tragedy.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Wednesday
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?