Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

doing your own taxes

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks