Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’