Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.