Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Google Pay be like:

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.