10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
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Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T