Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

stand with me against insufficient seating

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!