Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better