10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
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Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.