Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

“I took care of your clown problem.”

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

and this one

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt