10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!馃槒
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Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You鈥檙e scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don鈥檛 want them to jump on you.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn鈥檛 like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it鈥檚 no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we鈥檙e watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn鈥檛 have to turn to me and stare at me like this 馃槉
Um, so you鈥檙e god鈥檚 gift to women? So was Jesus鈥ook what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don鈥檛 cows rust? And another thing
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it鈥檚 a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it鈥檚 my husband
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i鈥檓 shaking but like in a good way
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.