Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

accurate

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food