10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
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The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I have a type: disappointing
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.