Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

How to woo a woman

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.