Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

Lmao

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly