Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.