10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
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If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
I’m already scared
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.