10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
You Might Also Like
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]