10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The absolute effort that went into this omg
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
peep davidson
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I will never stop laughing at this
