Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.