Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

We have a winner.

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: