10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
For real 🤣
