10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
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got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.