10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
You Might Also Like
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Bruh PLEASE
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.