10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals