10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Did my cat write this
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van