Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.