Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

ㅤ

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

technically true but not a great slogan

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.