Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Wasps: bees, but not helping

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

I think about this cartoon a lot.

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

For cardio I live beyond my means.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer