10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
The French cow says MEUX…
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere