10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
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“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
First I was a pebble..
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.