10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
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Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts